A lot happened when I was 31. I don’t know how to start again in a new year of my life. The quotable quotes I read say that it’s never too late to start over, and Co–Star also says that 32 is the year to admit to myself that I don’t know anything—and that this is good for me. I guess I just need to discover how to do that. Little by little. Slowly.

So many life-changing events happened to me in 2025. I failed in some things, I was charged with discourtesy and went through a trial, trigger warning I attempted suicide and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which I—and many others—thought was ADHD), I stayed at a friend’s house because I was under suicide watch, I also celebrated my anniversary as a permanent employee at DOST-STII, and I stopped traveling due to reasons that, while not painful to look back on anymore, still lowered my morale as a person.

Yes, most of what I listed at first sounds negative, but that doesn’t mean those things didn’t bring anything positive into my life. They did.

I became closer to my family and felt their love for me—and our love for one another—more deeply. We’re not very expressive at home about these things, but when my attempt happened in August, Mama and Mimay immediately came to be with me. They didn’t hesitate to come and take care of me during that time. Papa and An-An constantly checked on me. Even when I went home to Bacolod for a vacation, I felt that we had grown even closer. I learned to appreciate every question—whether I’ve eaten, where I am, and what I’m doing now that I’m back in Manila. We became closer, and I felt our love as a family more strongly. And I appreciated that. I appreciated everything.

I also felt how much my friends love me, because when I was at my lowest and needed help, they didn’t leave me. It even reached the point where they brought me to the Center for Mental Health to the emergency room, even though they had just come from a major event. If they hadn’t been there at that time, I probably wouldn’t be writing this now. They made me feel that it isn’t true that no one loves me, that it isn’t true that I’m a bad person, that it isn’t true that I don’t deserve to live a happy life. That you don’t have to be related by blood to be deeply connected and to be family as friends. Thank you so much, everyone.

To the one person who never stopped believing that I could overcome all the trials in my life and never gave up on guiding me toward the right decisions—thank you as well.

I also grew closer to the Lord. I often said, “That’s fine, I pray anyway,” but over the past year my prayers became more sincere, my conversations with Him deeper, and my belief stronger that some things are given to us not to break us, but to strengthen our courage and our faith in God.

I won’t make this any longer, and what I might say next would sound cliché anyway—like promising to change or to make more effort to be better—but there’s only one thing I can truly promise. I will stay alive for as long as I can, not only for the people who love me, but also for myself.

Happy birthday to me.